Another Day in My Paradise

It’s been a day from the pits. I thought I could just drink it away but there were just too many things in the stars today that pissed me off. Here I will tell you about them. If you don’t care, don’t read it. I don’t care if you don’t care. If you’re going to get offended by my colorful expletives, exit now.

1. I followed the fucking directions on the new cake pan. I never follow directions, and now it is obvious to me why I don’t waste my time. I did exactly what it told me to, right down to the ounce. The damn thing overflowed on the bottom of the oven. Now not only do I have to bake a new cake, I have to clean the oven.

2. I am as American as they come, and I will support the red, white, and blue until the day I die. Patriotism is not an option in my book, it is a duty to honor those that gave it up so I could use foul language on the Internet. HOWEVER – I need to know exactly where the bailout money is coming from and what in the hell the “bank”, the “manufacturer”, and the overall “company” is doing to improve its circumstances. So far, I have ascertained the following:

1. The government gives them a ka-billion dollars, and they have a party or purchase more prime real estate for the execs.
2. They ask for another ka-billion dollars, presumably for another party. I am figuring on a St. Patricks’ Day Bash complete with green beer. And since it is okay to pay half a ka-billion for party entertainment, maybe they will have that band from Ireland.
3. No one has told me about the plan the above recipients presented to their loan officers (YOU & ME. Oh, and the foreign countries that now own half our asses) that will inevitably save the economy with this ka-billion dollars. If you happen to have a copy of said plan, please forward it to me. I guess we will just continue making deposits until they decide they don’t need any more money.

3. Britney Spears was featured on several websites today, performing with her new tour, “Circus”. I don’t dispute that Britney is a performer. She can dance her pants off, and obviously has done so on several occasions. But why bother to wear the headset? We all know you ain’t singin’, Brit. And if you move too fast, it may catch on something and pull your weave off. Why take such chances?

4. Fast forward to Miley Cyrus, who is apparently writing a tell-all book. Ohhhh my. Last time I checked, Miley was still 16 and a regular church-goin’ daddy’s girl. So tell me, how much tell-all can she get? I think it will start like this:

“One time, on the set of Hannah Montana….”

5. I am also annoyed with my hair, my weight, and the blemish that has set up camp on my chin. Even my cat pissed me off today.

The cake is done. I re-baked without following the directions, and it looks like it turned out fine this time. I don’t care if you don’t care. You’re the stupid ass who just read this whole page.